What was on TV? Mon, Feb 14, 2005

20 years ago, Scarlett Johannson and Hartnett were celebrating Valentine's Day together. So were Keira Knightley and Jamie Dornan, Claire Danes and Billy Crudup, and Jude Law and Sienna Miller, and Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. Let's see what was on TV.

8:00 One on One

4x15 "Rock and a Hard Place"

I have turned off so many episodes of this show. And always for the same reason: I hate Arnaz, Breanna's boyfriend. I hate him so much. Breanna is fun and cute and kind. This dipshit shits all over everything she cares about, never listens to her needs, tells her she's being unreasonable every time she demands better treatment. He is the worst boyfriend ever, and he's not even that cute! I hate him so much.

But the show seems to love it! Most episodes center on their relationship and not the relationship between Breanna and her dad Flex. Breanna and Flex are adorable, their relationship is well-written, lived in, and funny, and the actors have great chemistry. I miss them.

But this episode at least offers us the next best thing: an episode about Breanna's awesome friend Spirit! There's a lot of Arnaz in there too, but Spirit is delightful, and as played by Sicily Jones she's one of the show's funniest characters. So of course she was fired after this season as the show moved Breanna to LA and gave her more white friends. But that's a story for another time.

8:30 Cuts on UPN

1x01 "Pilot"

UPN would eventually fire most of One on One's cast and retool it into a more "multi-racial" show. And you can see the beginnings of that approach in the show's spinoff, "Cuts." In the pilot, a popular supporting character from One on One must adjust when his salon is swallowed up by a large chain. And a Paris Hilton type played by American Pie bombshell is on hand so supervise the transition and make life more difficult/comedic.

There's an interesting germ of an idea. A salon is great setting for a sitcom: new characters come through all the time, and there are ample opportunities for hijinks and drama. I saw a Marcus Gardley play set at a Black-owned hair salon earlier this year which that setting to explore a whole community and especially the theme of gentrification. I think that Cuts was going for something similar. I think it would have worked better without Shannon Elizabeth as a series regular.

9:00 Girlfriends on UPN

5x14 "Great Sexpectations" (record 24 on Fox and Everwood on the WB

Critics were so dismissive of UPN sitcoms. This is obvious when you read contemporary reviews of Cuts. The shadow of infamous critical punching bags like Homeboys from Outer Space and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer loomed large over all these poor shows. And that shadow obscured a whole lot of good-to-great television. Like this episode, which might be the best Valentine's Day episode I've ever seen?

It's a bold move, that's for sure. The show had finally paired off its big will-they-or-won't they pair, Joan (Tracee Ellis Ross) and William (Reggie Hayes). And for Valentine's Day, they're finally going to have sex! But the chemistry is not there. The episode delves into the ins and outs of sexual chemistry and sexual preferences in a way that's truly realistic and daring, all witout sacrificing the jokes. The direction is also excellent: they use a speed ramp early on to convey the awkward frenzy of trying and failing to set the mood, and the episode ends with a beautiful overhead shot of Joan and William on a hotel bed, as they both break up and declare their platonic love for each other. It's absolutely gorgeous and truly moving.

The b-story featuring the other three girlfriends is just as good. Toni's husband is out of town, Maya's son has a girlfriend, and Lynn's vibrator broke. Their Valentine's Day plans shot, the girls decide to spend it together. And in a moment of vulnerability, they all spill their secrets: Maya wishes she had more time away from her son, Lynn exaggerates most of her sexual exploits for her friends' entertainment, and Toni has a secret nest egg. It's a moment of true intimacy that feels true to the way real-life friendships operate. And I was thrilled to see that though Lynn admits to lying about many of her sexual exploits (her recent injury was not a result of hanging upside down at an orgy, but rather lifting a heavy houseplant) she stands by her implied bisexuality. In 2005, that's a big deal.

8:30 Half and Half on UPN

3x14 "The Big Performance Anxiety Episode"

Half and Half started out as a white sitcom. But when UPN picked it up, they turned it into a Black sitcom so it would fit in with their Monday night comedy block. And to oversee that process, they brought in one of the greats: Yvette Lee Bowser, creator of Living Single. Most of the writers and directors who worked on Half and Half were white. But audiences saw Bowser's name in the opening credits every episode, and that still placed the show in a proud lineage of black sitcoms.

This episode takes things further, as two of Living Single's most popular characters, Kyle (T.C. Carson) and Maxine (Erika Alexander), make an appearance. It's delightful. Carson sings and dances, Alexander blows everyone off the screen. Best of all we get to see Maxine and Kyle in their own very special happily ever after. Maxine and Kyle's relationship was always loving but filled with conflict. Seeing them in a goopy loving marriage wouldn't feel right. The show instead presents them as loving co-parents who love fighting and having casual sex with each other. Good for them. And it gives fans of Living Single, as that show was unceremoniously canceled.

The UPN comedies weren't perfect (you can really tell that Half and Half was written by white people, for instance). But they were usually fun, and they could be great. They were part of a decades-long creative tradition that explored Black life for a mass Black audience, all while giving Black creatives loads of experience and opportunities. And in about a year, this legacy was nearly wiped out. It's a dark, dark chapter in the history of television. I can already see it coming, and it makes me sad.

10:00 Everwood (recorded)

3x15 "Surprise"

All season, I've been wondering when the big Madison secret was going to come to light. Dr Vegas was cancelled very quickly, so Sara Lancaster was free to go to Salt Lake City and reveal that Ephram knocked Madison up and Drs Abbott and Brown didn't tell Ephram and Amy. Every episode I'd wonder: will Madison return?

Of course, she didn't need to return at all. In trademark Everwood fashion, the big reveal comes not because someone saw a special guest star on the street, but because one of our series regulars bravely decided to tell the truth. Dr. Abbott has a breakthrough when he realizes that the little girl he coddled last season is grown up, and she can handle the truth. So he tells her. And now the suspense is all about if she'll tell Ephram. And that's way more interesting than wondering if Madison will show up again (though I do hope she comes back! And that she and Delia reunite).

Late Night

Bright Eyes performed on The Late Late Show. They performed a very weird and chaotic version of one of the weirdest songs on their two recent albums. Multiple f-bombs were dropped and bleeped, and a guitar was smashed. It was true rock-star shit of the highest over, and it was glorious.

What Else Was On

• 7th Heaven did a musical episode! Judging by this AV Club roundtable review and the clips I found online, it was absolutely horrendous. And it was written by Martha Plimpton???
• Tonight's Special Sweeps Guest Stars: John Cougar Mellencamp on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Sally Struthers on Still Standing, and both Dean Cain and the Pussycat Dolls on Las Vegas.

TiVo Status

The Masterpiece Theater miniseries The Lost Prince, the Frontline documentary House of Saud, the TV-movies Sucker Free City and Lackawanna Blues, and one episode each of Monk, 24, and Without a Trace. 13 hours total.

A song from 20 years ago

In honor of Valentine's Day and a great episode of Girlfriends, listen to "Love," a gorgeous romantic slow jam and the final song on the final song on the final album from the greatest girl group of the 21st century.