What was on TV? Sun, Dec 5, 2004

20 years ago, the Bush Administration promised to ban gay marriage with a constitutional amendment. Let's see what was on TV!

7:30 Malcolm in the Middle on Fox

6x04 "Pearl Harbor"

Available on Hulu

A perfect episode of television. Hayden Panetierre worms her way into the family and convinces Lois to purchase six partially obstructed seats for Mamma Mia! The plot thickens when she convinces Malcolm that Reese is gay and vice versa. The brothers discover the unexpected pleasures of being nice to each other and it all culminates in a glorious ABBA dance sequence. It's a hilarious storyline with real insights about, the prison of masculinity and relationships between men. And it's really nice to see the two brothers be so accepting and supportive of the other's sexuality in the year 2004 (in the year 2024, for that matter). By the end of the episode, it's back to normal and petty fights that make them both miserable. A Reese opines at the end, "I liked it better when we were gay."

Elsewhere, Hal is determined to beat his neighbor in their unofficial Christmas decorating competition. This year, he's eschewing Christmas entirely in favor of a Pearl Harbor theme. This culminates in a sequence so juvenile, spectacular, and silly that it must be seen to be believed.

This episode was written by Neil Thompson. He wrote for Happy Days, The Love Boat, and Night Court

This episode was directed by Peter Lauer. He has directed episodes of Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, and Emily in Paris.

8:30 Arrested Development on Fox

2x04 "Good Grief!" (Record The Librarian: Quest for the Spear on TNT)

Available on Netflix

Fox aired two amazing sitcom episodes tonight. This is the episode that gave us the amazing Charlie Brown running gag and the "Michael Cera lies down" meme. It also has an even larger than usual amount of Freudian nonsense and an incredible magician fail from Job as the family holds a funeral for George Bluth while the man himself watches from the attic, very much alive. All that, plus Maeby gets her best material of the season so far as she tries to help her mom commit adultery so that Barry Zuckercorn can make her an emancipated minor.

This episode was written by John Levenstein. He's written for Baskets, Kroll Show, and Silicon Valley.

This episode was directed by Jeff Melman. He has directed episodes of Night Court, Frasier, and Grey's Anatomy.

9:00 The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (recorded)

Available on FAST and library streaming services (Tubi, Hoopla, etc.)

Indiana Jones, but instead of the local hot professor, he's the hot eternal grad student and kind of a loser. It works! It's nice to see Noah Wyle have swashbucking, treasure-hunting fun after he spent so many years being miserable on ER. It takes way too long to get going (the titular quest doesn't start until half an hour into the movie) but once it does it's a lot of fun, dodgy CGI and all. Sonya Walger (Penny fron Lost) plays the Marion to his Indy and she gives great action girl. Kyle MacLachlan is the villain, Bob Newhart and Jane Curtin are wise elders, and Olympia Dukakis is Noah Wyle's mom (it's great casting, they kind of have the same face). Dukakis actually gets my favorite moment in the whole movie! She calls her son just as he's about to kiss Sonya Walger. You think they're going to put the kiss off, but Sonya answers and then hangs up. Cut to Olympia and her bridge buddies, announcing that her son has a girl in his life as everyone high fives.

This thing was a huge success. It was the highest-rated program on cable that week, and it launched a proper franchise: two sequels, a spin-off tv show, and a spin-off of that show will premiere in 2025. This movie premiered less than a month after National Treasure, but that was the last really good movie we got in this sub-genre. Someone has to keep the flame alive, it might as well be TNT. (My other favorite moment in the movie is the final shot when we pan out to a view of the Empire State Building, but we can also see a TNT "We Know Drama" billboard in the foreground. Hilarious!).

What Else Was On

• So many TV movies tonight. ABC premiered The Five People You Meet In Heaven, based on the Mitch Albom novel. This thing starred Jon Voigt, Ellen Burstyn, Jeff Daniels, Michael Imperioli, and Carolina from Succession.
• Someone posted the ads from the Five People You Meet in Heaven broadcast, and there's some fun stuff in there, including a hilarious Spanglish TV spot and an Outback steakhouse ad that ruthlessly mocks John Madden and lazy Christmas music.
• CBS premiered A Very Married Christmas, in which Jean Smart leaves Joe Mantegna and he has to win her back. Also Charles Durning is a mall Santa? I watched the first five minutes of this and it was kind of weird. There was a dream sequence involving Jean Smart and an auto shop.
• Bravo aired two episodes of the partially improvised comedy Significant Others. This sounds like a predecessor of shows like Couples Therapy and I really wish I could find it.
• HBO premiered The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, directed by the man behind Lost in Space and the terrible Dark Tower movie and starring Rush as Sellers, Job Lithgow as Blake Edwards, and Charlize Theron as Britt Ekland. This thing premiered in official competition at the Cannes Film Festival, alongside Oldboy, 2046, Shrek 2, Ghost in the Shell 2, the Cohen brothers' The Ladykillers, and eventual Palme winner Fahrenheit 9/11. That has to be the weirdest Cannes lineup ever.

TiVo Status

The three-hour Masterpiece Theater miniseries The Lost Prince and The Office Christmas Special from across the pond (2 hours). 6 hours with 22 hours of space left.