What was on TV? Tues, March 8, 2005

20 years ago, hockey players striked so hard they cancelled the whole season.

8:00 Monk (recorded)

3x16 "Mr. Monk and the Kid"

I've fallen in love with Monk and its blend of classical mystery storytelling and silly comedy. So when tonight's episode introduced a toddler and promised feelings, I groaned. Give me a mystery story, damnit, I don't care about Monk's fatherhood angst! Solve the damn puzzle already.

But I guess I'm the fool. I did care about Monk's fatherhood angst. And not just a little bit, I cried. A lot of that was thanks to Jeff Beal's excellent score, but the story was good too. Monk ends up fostering a 22-month-old (you have to suspend your disbelief) and the boy is just like him! He's in love, maybe he can be a dad! But he eventually realizes that he can barely handle his own damage, he's not ready for adoption or single parenthood. And as he gives the kid up, he realizes that he's not exactly like him, he's his own person. It's sad, but tender and actually quite wise about the nature of parenthood. You want to see yourself reflected in this tiny person, but you must accept that they're nothing like you, they're someone else, totally new and unknowable. And that is both wrenching and glorious.

9:00 The Starlet on the WB

Episode 2

I really enjoyed this show, and I wish there was more of it. A group of wannabe actresses compete in various acting challenges, and Faye Dunaway, the casting director of Bring it On, and Vivica A. Fox decide which one of them gets a part on One Tree Hill.

To be honest, I'm a little embarrassed that I enjoyed this particular episode so much. This episode is all about sexuality. They have to make out with a teddy bear for an acting exercise, and recreate a gratuitous lesbian hot tub kiss from the cancelled Fox show Fastlane. They even have to choose their scene partners, my god! This is obviously an attempt to titillate audiences and drum up controversy. Most shows can have one or two sexy lesbian kisses a season, this one promises four in a single episode! And if the producers are really lucky, one of them will say something homophobic.

It was kind of gross. The girls were really annoyed by the assignment, and eager to clarify that they were totally heterosexual. But most of them committed to the scene and honestly kind of delivered. The kisses were hot and the acting pretty good! The prize is an acting role on One Tree Hill, and many of these girls would feel right at home on that show. But the judges are the reason to watch the show. Vivica A. Fox and the casting director (who had previously appeared on Project Greenlight) are both trying hard to be the mean judge, and they're giving good Simon Cowell. But Faye is the true star.

She is not savvy to the ways of reality TV. She keeps on taking her glasses on and off, and it makes the whole edit feel even more chopped together than it probably was. And she takes the whole thing so seriously, almost like this is a real acting workshop. Her advice is often harsh, but she can be generous when warranted, and she's always clear and fair. She did not half-ass this at all. And best of all is the end of the episode, when she gets to deliver the show's A+ kiss-off line: "don't call us, we'll call you." Two contestants are eliminated, so she gets to say it twice! Her delivery is impeccable, she reminds you that she's still one of the greats. I would have watched dozens of episodes of this show just to hear her say those words a bunch more times.

10:00 North and South (downloaded)

Episode 1

For some reason this never aired in the US. But let's just say that 2005 me torrented it.

Because I just wanted to watch this miniseries again. It hits all the classic period drama notes, but it also pushes things forward. The series opens in the English countryside. The clothes are all fancy, the grass is green, everything is sunny and beautiful. And then we're yanked away to the fictional industrial city of Milton. Everything is brown and grey and obviously a studio backlot. Director Brian Percival gets so much out of the contrast. The use of the white cotton, falling like snow, totally out of place, is just glorious.

And that daring in the visual storytelling is echoed in the writing. I'd forgotten just how frosty this first episode is! The attraction between principled and ladylike Margaret and self-made factory owner John Thornton is palpable. But their differences in life experience and worldview are palpable. It's enemies to lovers at its finest. And the show is so willing to let things be unsettled and uneasy. Margaret and her family are in Milton because they all followed her father there. And once they arrive they discover he quit his cushy job as a minister to take an overly principled stand on a procedural matter. Margaret and her mother (Lesley Manville, killing it) are furious, and their resentment of their father and the city seethes under the surface for the whole episodes.

And then there's the union meeting, when North and South. Just seeing the existence of unions in any show, let alone a romantic period drama, is unexpected and thrilling. But it's also such a good scene. Mr. Bates from Downton Abbey gives an inspiring speech about solidarity. But a man speaks up and says he has six kids who could starve in the event of a strike. And the union doesn't really have an answer for him. They just get enough people to clap until finally the father of six reluctantly joins in. You see the strength and fragility of this movement so clearly, and it sets the stage brilliantly for the drama to come.

Late Night

Tonight, Conan said the magic words: "there's a lot of anger in the world today." I let out a yowl of joy. My windows were closed so hopefully my neighbors didn't hear anything. But as soon as Conan said those words, I knew that Pierre Bernard and his recliner of rage would be appearing. This segment is all about bottle caps. Pierre collects them, and people make small talk about it, so he declares his intention to make mosaic-style art out of the bottle caps. Except they don't stock the juice with the caps he needs at the office.

This is a story about having a weird passive hobby then trying to transform it into something more impressive once people start making small talk with you about it and then giving up and claiming it's for logistical reasons. I feel seen! (Though I have stuck with this strange project for almost six months now. Go me!)

What Else Was On

• Following the end of NYPD Blue, ABC premiered a new show from creator Steven Boccho. Blind Justice was about a blind cop. It looks silly as hell.
• This season of The Amazing Race cast Survivor villains Rob and Amber, who had fallen in love during the first All-Stars season. The Amazing Race was risking overexposure, they aired three seasons in a twelve month period. But Rob and Amber made for great villains, especially when contrasted with more normal and likable Amazing Race contestants. And Rob and Amber showed that you could be a reality tv star on multiple shows.
• BBC America was airing Boiling Point, Gordon Ramsay's breakout show in his native England, just three months before the debut of Hell's Kitchen.

TiVo Status

The Masterpiece Theater miniseries The Lost Prince, a Frontline documentary, the TV movies Sucker Free City, Lackawanna Blues, Their Eyes Were Watching God, and Ladies Night, and tw0 episodes of Miracle's Boys. 17 hours total.

Music, 20 years ago

This episode of The Starlet took the 2000s trend of gay-baiting lesbian kisses to a whole new level. In honor of that, here is "All the Things She Said," the best piece of lesbian gay-baiting of all time. You might have heard it in newly minted Best Picture Anora!